A Journey through Fitness: Not Your Typical Post

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” –All quotes in this piece are by the great Maya Angelou

Yesterday morning I hit the snooze button every nine minutes between 5am and 6:15.

“Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.” 

I really, REALLY, did not want to go to the gym. My back was killing me and I got crappy sleep because of it. But the gym workout was five rounds of 400 meter runs with 50 double unders attached to the end of each run. AKA–cardio KILLER. And I needed the cardio. Like, really bad. So I drug myself out of bed and went in.

“Nothing will work unless you do.” 

My back hurt so bad when I got there that instead of warming up with everyone else, I just rolled around on a foam roller and lacrosse ball for 20 minutes. And while I was trying to loosen up this massive knot I’ve got alongside my spine from God only knows what, I chatted with a fellow gym member who had just finished up working out with the previous class.

“When we find someone who is brave, fun, intelligent, and loving, we have to thank the universe.” 

We started by talking about protein powders and I referenced the blog post I wrote about finding the right type of protein. He told me he would check it out and then continued to tell me that he had for a while now, wanted to tell me that he enjoyed my blog and liked reading about my journey through fitness. We then started talking about life in general, working out, etc., and he looks to me kind of sad while chatting. Eventually he says, “I’m 40 years old today and I don’t know what to think about that.” 

“We carry accumulation of years in our bodies, and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are still innocent and shy as magnolias.” 

I can sympathize. I mean, I’m not 40 yet, but I’ll be 34 this year and some days I feel like I’m not really sure what I have to show for that. I mean, I have no kids, not sure if I will have them though I do want them, and who knows where life is headed? Erik wants to pursue his PhD soon which could mean a big move, and I’d have to start over with my fitness journey…sort of. Meaning, I’d have to actually figure out if I’m a crossfitter, a powerlifter, a “strongwoman” competitor…. I guess you can say I’m really into lifting. And I’m fortunate enough to be able to do most if it on my own where I coach. But if Erik and I move, that’s probably not going to be an option. What do I pick? What new gyms do I look for? Are gyms all that matter? What will I do for money? Shouldn’t I start a family soon? How do I keep lifting–really heavy lifting–with a baby in tow? OMG…my head is spinning.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

I told my fellow crossfitter that “I totally get it. I’m 34, I have no kids, no clue where life might take me, no idea where I’ll be in 10 years, and that’s a scary thing.”

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”

I have actually tried to write this post–or one similar to it–four times now. Over the past two weeks, I’ve been trying to put into words, “WTF am I doing these days?!” I have always enjoyed writing about my journey with fitness and food…the good and the bad, the experiments, the lean days, the cheat days, the “I feel like a total badass” days and the “I feel like a blimp” days. I mean, we’re all human, we all go through this right?

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”

A couple nights ago, for example, was one of those “I am a total blimp” days. I almost cleared out my entire Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter of people who depress me. Or show me up. I’m not sure which is which. Isn’t that sad? Is it just me, or does it piss you off sometimes when you see someone who always looks perfect every single day? Who always has abs? Who never cheats on a diet? Who always lifts perfectly? Always PRs? Always runs faster or always reaches his or her goals no matter what? Do I make people feel that way? Should I post more videos of me failing at lifts instead of hitting them? Cheat meals instead of clean meals? That feature photo for this post, btw? Hate it.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

I sometimes wonder…where am I in this  health and fitness journey these days? Am I doing too much? Not enough? Am I inspiring enough people? Am I pissing someone off? Am I being “real” and showing my flaws as much as my successes? Am I supposed to be perfect since I own a fitness site? I’m never the leanest, I’m never the strongest, I’m never the healthiest, but I am trying really, REALLY damn hard every single day to give it my all. Isn’t that the end goal?

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

So far, my journey looks like this: 

1. I never exercised growing up nor did I eat healthy.
2. I gained over 40lbs in college and was extremely overweight.
3. I yo-yo dieted because I didn’t know what “heatlhy eating” was.
4. I started working out — aka doing a lot of cardio –because I needed to lose weight.
5. I started lifting weights, swinging kettlelbells, and experimented in CrossFit because I loved feeling strong.
6. I got my CrossFit L1, Kettlebell Cert, Group Fitness Cert, Les Mills Certs, and started teaching/coaching.
7. I became obsessed with nutrition.
8. I became OBSESSED with nutrition.
9. I started blogging about food and fitness.
10. I got more certs, switched jobs, and have now been dubbed things like “Bootcamp Queen,” “Strongwoman” “Beast,” “Quadzilla,” “Coach,” “Drill Sergeant,” etc. I love them all.

“The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don’t know my story…” 

Where am I now in this journey? 

I am 33, almost 34, and I have no clue. I love CrossFit but I think there are flaws within it’s “constantly varied programming” and I get injured every time I dedicate myself to it. I love lifting heavy shit. I love powerlifting, bodybuilding, strongman training and kettlebell training. I also need to have a plan and a goal every time I walk into a gym. I cannot just go to a gym. So that means I am currently in week 15 of Jim Wendler’s Beyond 5-3-1 new powerlifting program and I LOVE IT. I’m seeing mad results. But it’s not enough cardio for me. So I’m also doing Dan John’s 10,000 kettlebell swing challenge. That’s about 500 swings per day about 3 times per week. I’ve been slacking the past couple weeks and feel pretty guilty about it.

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” 

And currently, I have this AWESOME opportunity in which a really important person is programming strongman workouts for me as part of training experiment. (I wonder if I’m even allowed to give away that much?) So OF COURSE I’m going to be doing this too. And while I’m doing this, I can’t stop my powerlifting when I only have four weeks of my program left! Eek!

Have I mentioned I’m still trying to WOD at least two times a week for extra conditioning?

“We need much less than we think we need.” 

And how the heck do I fuel my body for all this? I’m not one of those girls who can just lift super heavy all the time and eat what she wants because my yo-yo dieting days have put me into such terrible metabolic damage that I still gain weight super easy–no matter what I eat or how hard I lift. I have been really depressed over the past two weeks because I’ve slacked on my clean eating–IT’S SUMMER! I WANT TO HAVE FUN! EAT ICE CREAM! DRINK A BEER WITH FRIENDS!–but I’ve put on pounds in the process. I want to throw a four-year-old temper tantrum and beat my fists into the ground. IT’S NOT FAIR! I LIFT SO HEAVY! I WORK SO HARD! I EAT SO HEALTHY! Why can’t I cut myself some freakin’ slack without putting on the pounds?! Don’t I work hard enough?! Why does THIS part have to be a part of this stupid journey?!

“If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?” 

Erik thinks I should follow the guidelines of metabolic damage recovery and stop working out while eating less for a period of 2-3 months to fix the metabolic damage and then re-start correctly. Not a bad idea to ANYONE else, but for ME?! NO WAY am I ready to stop lifting! And food! Do I eat Paleo? Zone? Carb Back-Load–the way this blog originally started–me bodybuilding and carb-backloading?! Paleo works but I tend to eat too many calories if I’m not careful. Calories of almond butter and bacon. Zone works but I always feel hungry. Carb-backloading actually works when I time my carbs right and I eat the “healthier ones” which, let’s face it, is not fun. Especially when Erik back-loads with cookies, ice cream, and fruity pebbles.

“Anything that works against you can also work for you once you understand the Principle of Reverse.” 

Then there’s my injuries. I have a tear in one shoulder, rotator cuff issues in the other, bicep tendinitis in both biecps, stiff hips and ankles, and as we speak, a strained upper right trap. Eating healthier, inflammation-fighting foods will help me, lifting less will help me, sleeping more will help me, but let’s face it: I live to lift, work, blog, eat, and slack on sleep. I have to. IT’S MY LIFE. This is MY JOURNEY! 

“All great achievements require time.”

But where the hell is it headed? 

I am not planning on competing in CrossFit again, or anytime soon, or unless it’s just strictly for fun. I don’t think it’s smart or wise for my shoulders. Should I compete in powerlifting? I think my numbers are decent but I have a lot to improve upon and we have zero powerlifting gyms that/coaches who can help me in my immediate area. I would love to compete in strongman events. But am I really that strong? I really enjoy the training. It’s fun. And then there’s my passion for kettlebells. And love of CrossFit. And desire of all foods.

“If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform a million realities.” 

Where does it end? And why does it even matter so much? I think that’s the question I can’t completely wrap my head around. Why does all this matter to me so much? At 34 years old, will it ever matter that I do or do not get a muscle up? Or that my OLY lifts suck? Do I have to PR my lifts all the time? Do I have to have the flattest stomach in the world? Shouldn’t it matter more that I am just healthy, I have a fantastic life, I’m pretty darned strong, and have the love of my life by my side? Why do I care about this so freakin’ much???

“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” 

Has my fitness journey actually peaked? Plateaued? Or even…has it only just begun?

“Living well is an art that can be developed: a love of life and ability to take great pleasure from small offerings and assurance that the world owes you nothing and that every gift is exactly that, a gift. ” 

What do you do when you’re overwhelmed by the fitness success of those around you? The constant facebook posts, the Instagram videos, the PR celebrations, the competition victories, and the flawless bodies who never eat cupcakes? Or worse, the flawless ones who do? Do you say “I need to work harder,” or do you say, “I’m almost 34 and am perfectly content rocking these hips!!”

“Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.” –Maya Angelou 

I wonder where is my journey headed. Where will I be even a few years from now? And does it matter as long as I’m lifting? Inspiring someone? Instagramming a cool lift or writing about protein powders? Am I having a mid-life lifting crisis?!

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

Ha, who knows? I sure don’t. But life is truly good–even when I stress about it. And now that I’ve vented through my writing, I feel a little better. Maybe excited. Back to planning my next lifts.

“Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.” 

I’m going on vacation for a few days with Erik and cannot wait to relax, enjoy some good food, and have some much needed time away from the gym. And when I come back? Well, just make sure you’re following me on Instagram. Who the hell knows where this journey is going!!

“Wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now.”